(A song from a movie that is a family favorite, Joseph King of Dreams)
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And now let us return to Genesis.
I wouldn’t blame Joseph if he never forgave his brothers. How can a person be expected to forgive the family members who trafficked you into slavery and led you to a life of servitude and imprisonment? He could have justifiably written his brothers off as toxic, and started a new life as an Egyptian with an Egyptian wife and children, free of the cultural and familial baggage he carried with him.
However, Joseph made a different choice, and that is why we are here today as Jews. He not only saved his family and our people’s future, I think he also provides a formula for how to right a family’s course when they have strayed from their values and their mission. While I usually only cut and past a few verses for Small Potatoes, I need to provide most of Genesis 45 (verses 1-8) to understand the wisdom that Joseph passed onto all of us through his example:
וְלֹֽא־יָכֹ֨ל יוֹסֵ֜ף לְהִתְאַפֵּ֗ק לְכֹ֤ל הַנִּצָּבִים֙ עָלָ֔יו וַיִּקְרָ֕א הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כׇל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י וְלֹא־עָ֤מַד אִישׁ֙ אִתּ֔וֹ בְּהִתְוַדַּ֥ע יוֹסֵ֖ף אֶל־אֶחָֽיו׃
Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone withdraw from me!” So there was no one else about when Joseph made himself known to his brothers.
וַיִּתֵּ֥ן אֶת־קֹל֖וֹ בִּבְכִ֑י וַיִּשְׁמְע֣וּ מִצְרַ֔יִם וַיִּשְׁמַ֖ע בֵּ֥ית פַּרְעֹֽה׃
His sobs were so loud that the Egyptians could hear, and so the news reached Pharaoh’s palace.
וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יוֹסֵ֤ף אֶל־אֶחָיו֙ אֲנִ֣י יוֹסֵ֔ף הַע֥וֹד אָבִ֖י חָ֑י וְלֹֽא־יָכְל֤וּ אֶחָיו֙ לַעֲנ֣וֹת אֹת֔וֹ כִּ֥י נִבְהֲל֖וּ מִפָּנָֽיו׃
Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph. Is my father still well?” But his brothers could not answer him, so dumbfounded were they on account of him.
וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יוֹסֵ֧ף אֶל־אֶחָ֛יו גְּשׁוּ־נָ֥א אֵלַ֖י וַיִּגָּ֑שׁוּ וַיֹּ֗אמֶר אֲנִי֙ יוֹסֵ֣ף אֲחִיכֶ֔ם אֲשֶׁר־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י מִצְרָֽיְמָה׃
Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come forward to me.” And when they came forward, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, he whom you sold into Egypt.
וְעַתָּ֣ה ׀ אַל־תֵּעָ֣צְב֗וּ וְאַל־יִ֙חַר֙ בְּעֵ֣ינֵיכֶ֔ם כִּֽי־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י הֵ֑נָּה כִּ֣י לְמִֽחְיָ֔ה שְׁלָחַ֥נִי אֱלֹהִ֖ים לִפְנֵיכֶֽם׃
Now, do not be distressed or reproach yourselves because you sold me hither; it was to save life that God sent me ahead of you.
כִּי־זֶ֛ה שְׁנָתַ֥יִם הָרָעָ֖ב בְּקֶ֣רֶב הָאָ֑רֶץ וְעוֹד֙ חָמֵ֣שׁ שָׁנִ֔ים אֲשֶׁ֥ר אֵין־חָרִ֖ישׁ וְקָצִֽיר׃
It is now two years that there has been famine in the land, and there are still five years to come in which there shall be no yield from tilling.
וַיִּשְׁלָחֵ֤נִי אֱלֹהִים֙ לִפְנֵיכֶ֔ם לָשׂ֥וּם לָכֶ֛ם שְׁאֵרִ֖ית בָּאָ֑רֶץ וּלְהַחֲי֣וֹת לָכֶ֔ם לִפְלֵיטָ֖ה גְּדֹלָֽה׃
God has sent me ahead of you to ensure your survival on earth, and to save your lives in an extraordinary deliverance.
וְעַתָּ֗ה לֹֽא־אַתֶּ֞ם שְׁלַחְתֶּ֤ם אֹתִי֙ הֵ֔נָּה כִּ֖י הָאֱלֹהִ֑ים וַיְשִׂימֵ֨נִֽי לְאָ֜ב לְפַרְעֹ֗ה וּלְאָדוֹן֙ לְכׇל־בֵּית֔וֹ וּמֹשֵׁ֖ל בְּכׇל־אֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם׃
So, it was not you who sent me here, but God—who has made me a father to Pharaoh, lord of all his household, and ruler over the whole land of Egypt.
There is a formula here that Joseph provides:
Honest, heartfelt catharsis and vulnerability. Joseph’s first step is to cry with all of his heart and show his brothers his true self, the hurt they have caused, and his willingness to ditch the facade and the scheming that defined their earlier relationship.
Grace: This term is thoroughly Jewish even though it is often associated with Christianity. Grace is the gift we receive even though we don’t deserve it. Do the brothers deserve Joseph’s attention, care, and resources? Absolutely not. However, he goes through a process when he chooses to put his desire for reconciliation above a desire for revenge.
Rewriting a More Spacious Narrative: Lastly, he rewrites the story of their relationship in a way that allows them to save face and return to their brother. Joseph provides a narrative — that this was all God’s will — that allows his brothers to shed some of the shame that might make reconciliation impossible, or at least too psychically difficult to bear. Joseph’s journey may or may not have been inevitable or divinely ordained. In many ways, that isn’t the point. In order to make space for return, we often need to rewrite the story of the past to craft a new present and future together.
In the Jewish tradition, there are crimes that are beyond forgiveness. I would never encourage someone who has encountered consistent, unabated abuse to go through the three steps that Joseph models for us. Nor would I ever shame someone who didn’t want to go through these steps after facing life changing harm and trauma.
However, there are times in our lives when — if we can and should bring ourselves to do so — that reconciliation is possible and preferable to continued alienation. That said, here are times that despite our desire, we don’t know how to proceed after years apart and lasting pain. I think our ancestor, Joseph, provides us a formula for advancing that difficult process. Our tradition and our texts provide us with a roadmap when we don’t know where to go, or when we do have a destination, but don’t know how to get there.
There is so much to be repaired in our world — in our families, our communities, and in our country. When we have the wherewithal and desire to begin mending that which has been torn, Joseph gives us three steps that can help us begin that process. While every relationship and process is different, catharsis, vulnerability, grace, and narrative work will probably always be called for in the process of reconciliation.
This Shabbat, let us draw wisdom for a portion that begins with Yehuda “presenting himself” to Joseph with humility. He doesn’t “confront,” or “meet,” or “say,” but rather offers and presents himself honestly. Joseph ultimately more than meets is brother’s contrition, and provides a path toward collective blessing, prosperity, and stability for a generation — at least until a formidable external foe arises. Let us find inspiration from a man who could find the space in his heart and mind to speak his heart and write a story with enough space for everyone.
Shabbat Shalom!
What I’m Reading:
Ethan Schwartz on antisemitism in the Catholic Church and the future of Jewish-Catholic relations in Commonweal.
Professor Ephraim Shoham on the crisis of faith that some Orthodox Jews in Israel are facing at this moment. He also hints at — in the face of the failure of the protests — the potential for violence in defense of Israeli Liberal democracy. He buried his son this week who fell in battle in Gaza. In his eulogy, he blames Netanyahu’s government for his son’s death and demands a hostage deal now. For those who understand Hebrew, listen to his words from a month ago about the tragedy of Israel’s current government. You can read his wife’s Kol Nidre sermon here, which is too resonant and painful in light of her son’s death.
A piece from the Times of London on the Palestinians in Gaza who oppose Hamas (and the Western activists who claim their struggle.)
The Hebrew Teacher by Maya Arad. It hits a bit too close to home, but I guess that is why it is so important.
Let me know what you’re reading too!!